Review: The Human Centipede 3

Zero Stars

By Christian DiMartino

I am relieved by the fact that, for the first time, I do not have to copy and paste stars into this review. I find it to be a mild pain in the ass, but when you are dealing with an abortion like The Human Centipede 3, it is perfectly understandable.

I hated the first two installments with a burning passion. I found them to be none other than disgusting, grotesque garbage, just eager to piss everyone off. Oh yeah, and to send everyone home with a barf bag. However this time, the film not only retreads and suffers from the same flaws, but it also just manages to be worse. Why? Allow me.

The film revolves around a prison warden named Bill Boss (Dieter Laser, the psycho of the original), who, after seeing The Human Centipede films, takes inspiration and decides to build a 500-person centipede. How this sounds right in anyone’s mind is beyond me. That being said, I am not delusional.

One thing I kept wondering as I watched this film is just how the people around Boss weren’t totally freaked out. This guy is clearly unstable, while the people who work for him seem pretty normal, except for the fact that they’re fans of The Human Centipede films.

Director Tom Six must be so vain, he probably thinks this song is about him. Clearly, he thinks that what he has done with these films is brilliant and innovative, hence why his characters find these films brilliant and innovative. It’s pathetic, really, and the effort put forth is pathetic.

This film is disgusting, and pointless, and stupid. But yet it is also a film that thinks its funny, and that it is where it falls even shorter than its predecessors. Six’s idea of humor is people shouting “pu**y” “ni***r” and what not for 100 minutes. After about five minutes, I caught onto the schtick, and I’d had enough.

Not only does the film suffer from what the actors have to say, but it also just suffers from the actors in general. Particularly, Mr. Laser. After about ten minutes of seeing him onscreen, it dawned on me: he isn’t acting, no no no. This is just him in everyday life. The result is sad, stupid, and pathetic… kind of like the film itself.

This is reportedly the final film in this series, and to that I say, hallelujah. This is possibly the worst trilogy ever made. Granted, Six could still easily just make this film over again. He’s done it twice already. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t be abliged if the man just put a gun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. He’d probably find it to be a form of art or some crap, as he clearly finds these films to be a form of art.

Perhaps I am just a prude, but I found these films ugly and just utterly atrocious. I am relieved for the end, and I weep for the future.

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