The Verdict on Jackson Murphy: Yeah, Not a Fan

By Christian DiMartino

I have been in love with film for as long as I can remember. I recall that when I was in elementary school, I used to actually make movie magazines, in which I reviewed movies, just for the hell of it. They were obviously flimsy and anything but legitimate (I’d be scared to read them now), but I got pure enjoyment out of them, because it gave me more of an excuse to describe my passion.

So, yes, my dream job is to be a film critic. Hence why I continue writing reviews here, on IMDB, and on Instagram. I of course don’t get paid for it, but I enjoy it so much, that I simply do not care. But my fingers are still crossed. Regardless, you can only imagine my frustration when I first realized just who Jackson Murphy was.

I recall it was on an episode of Ebert Presents: At the Movies back in 2011, in which Christy Lemire and Ignatiy  Vishnevetsky were revealing their best of the year lists, which included films like The Tree of Life and Beginners. Then they introduced us to this thirteen year old kid, and I had no idea who the hell he was, but yet I was curious. He sounded like a robot, or any old man, or both, and it was a little creepy.

But yet I waited for his list. His list was: Gnomeo & JulietUnknown, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, Cars 2, and Midnight in Paris. I’m surprised they didn’t burst out laughing (I’m sure it wasn’t for a lack of trying). Now, Midnight in Paris is a wonderful film, and I thoroughly enjoy Unknown. Though, he had mentioned that Midnight in Paris was his first Woody Allen movie (I’d been at roughly 30 by the time it came around). But the other three are anything but best movie worthy. I thought it had to be a joke. So, it left me to wonder: How did he get there?

So, I’ll ask again: How did he get there? How was he associated with Roger Ebert, getting interviews with Jay Leno, partying with Amy Schumer (I’ll get to that in a bit), and all? Now I admit that for his age, he does sound kind of mature. But here’s the thing: He’s an absolute moron.

So, why am I choosing to write about him now? Why didn’t I do this sooner? Well, he was only 13. I feel like it wouldn’t have been fair. But now he’s 17, and he might be even worse.

I’m not alone on the bashing. Howard Stern referred to him as a freak show, and after listening to Jackson’s review of Inception, I agree. Considering the fact that he rewarded Inception with a C, and Jack & Jill with a B. He also rewarded Django Unchained with a C, The Martian with a C+, and The Dark Knight with a B. Now, in what universe are any of these masterpieces in the same ballpark (or worse) than Jack & Jill? And we think this person’s opinion matters? And he’s famous, and has a job, and I don’t?

It kind of sounds like I’m jealous, and you know what, I am. Because I’m 19, only two years than this braindead retard, and you know what, I actually know what I’m talking about. I guarantee that this kid probably thinks that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is a kids movie, or that James Dean is a meat company, or that Tennessee Williams is a spinoff of Indiana Jones.

So, there’s really a number of reasons why this mongoloid is famous. One is a little thing I like to call “a silver spoon,” one he’s got shoved too far up his ass. Or, he could’ve slept with the right people. I think the main reason though is that he sounds like one of those pretentious douchebag film critics from New York, and hey! He is one! My feelings towards how he seduced the world is kind of like my feelings towards Jim Parsons on The Big Bang Theory: Week after week, Parsons says a lot of stuff really quick, and the people all love it, hence why he wins Emmys every year. But what he’s saying doesn’t really add up to much. Funny thing is: Murphy has one too. I know one thing he could do with it, and trust me, it might hurt.

And now, the point emerges. The main reason why I’ve chosen him as my victim for this essay. Truth is, I have heard his names throughout the years, but I always just tried to turn my back on it, because me makes me cringe. But on Monday, an Instagram friend of mine posted a screenshot of this tweet that Murphy posted. It was a picture of his smug face next to Amy Schumer at the Critics Choice Awards, and the caption above read: “Spent the night with @amyschumer. Certainly not the first guy to write that.” Now, it’d be one thing if it was funny. But it isn’t, and it’s honestly kind of like a bitch slap to Schumer, who apparently said that Murphy and his father seemed really sweet. And yet he turns around and pretty much calls her a whore. Smooth.

He took the Tweet down, but this isn’t the first time. On Chiwetel Ejiofor’s birthday, he made a post saying: “Happy birthday to my man Chiwetel Ejiofor. Don’t be a slave to your diet— have some cake.” Get it? Because he played a slave? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha SO FUNNY.

I knew growing up that something was off about this kid. Or maybe it was jealousy. But if I haven’t sold you, then there is no selling you.As Heather Chandler might say, this kid must’ve had a brain tumor for breakfast. He is an absolute moron, both when it comes to his taste in film and he’s also a bit of a social tard as well. It’s one thing to enjoy films, but it’s another to be legitimate, when you’re anything but. Okay, that’s all for now.

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