Review: Norm of the North

Zero Stars

By Christian DiMartino

If you’re plugged into the movie world like I am, you’ll know that Norm of the North has recently become something of a “disaster-piece.” One of those Jack and Jill cases where you know you don’t want to watch it, but yet you feel like you kind of have to, just to understand the awfulness.

What? Nobody else does that? Okay.

Honestly though, sometimes what I do… It… It… It causes me a lot of harm. You know those scenes in movies where people have like war flashbacks in the shower? Yeah, I get those sometimes, and I think movies like Norm of the North are partially to blame.

So, yes, Norm of the North does live up to its reputation. It truly is as horrible as you’d imagine. Normally I try to find some sort of redeeming quality but… There isn’t one here. It’s just truly, purely terrible. Whoever decided that this was worthy of a theatrical release deserves not only a punch in the face, but also, to endure this movie on repeat.

Then I think we’ll be about square.

Alright, so where to begin? Alright so Rob Schneider (insert siren noise) plays Norm, a polar bear who… Come to think about it, there’s not really a lot in the way of personality. He twerks a lot. Anyways, Norm’s peaceful existence in the Arctic is interrupted when a housing developer (Heather Graham) shows up, and announces that her and her boss (Ken Jeong) are going to build houses there.

So, hold on: houses… In the Arctic? Who thought that was a good idea? This sounds like something the Special Ed department whipped up. Or Jackson Murphy. Either way. I was expecting someone to say, “My favorite color is potato.”

Anyways, Norm doesn’t like this idea, so he goes to New York to try to stop it from happening. I think. Honestly, the motivations aren’t really clear. All I know is that Norm’s grandpa is missing, and that Norm befriends Graham’s character, and her daughter… Bleh! Gag me with a spoon. I can’t even go into that, because it’s so cliche. But also, most of the people think Norm is an actor in a bear costume (rolls eyes).

Alright, if my review seems all over the place, then you’ll know the experience of Norm of the North, except hopefully this review is actually, well, funny. This is one of those films that is so unfunny, you kind of just shake your head and wish for it to end.

There isn’t a funny moment. One thing I noticed about these poorly conceived characters is that every time they spoke, they could not keep still. They’re always moving. They can’t relax.

The film is as clever as it is visually stunning. In other words, the animation is gross. In an age where we have gorgeous films like Inside Out, this crap just isn’t up to snuff. That said though, it’s probably not the worst of its problems.

The soundtrack is horrible. The voice work… Not much better. There are some actors who, when you hear them doing voice work, you immediately know who it is. That cannot be said for this cast. I would ask if Schneider, Graham, and Jeong had anything better to do, but let’s be honest: they didn’t.

Every plot turn is questionable. I say that because you really have to wonder: Who thought this was a good idea? Perhaps there was a good movie to be had here once (the film was in jeopardy for six years). But whatever that good idea was, it got lost amidst the twerking, farting, peeing, and… God that soundtrack.

I know that polar bears are endangered or something, but I mean, if Norm is one of them, is it really a loss?

Hopefully, this will be a clean sweep at the Razzies.

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