By Christian DiMartino
Have you ever seen Woody Allen’s Hollywood Ending? Yeah, probably not. Anyways, Allen plays a filmmaker who is about to make what should be his next hit. But then, the unexpected happens: he goes temporarily blind. However, since he is craving another hit, he decides to keep the blindness a secret, and proceed with the production. Ridiculous, I know. Now I’m not saying that Garry Marshall went temporarily blind while making his latest film, but it’s the only way I can excuse him for his insanely horrible new film, Mother’s Day (still, that doesn’t excuse his hearing).
This is Marshall’s third holiday-themed romantic comedy. These holiday movies are kind of like that villain that you think is dead, and then comes back for another round. First there was the awful Love Actually ripoff, Valentine’s Day. Then he brought us New Year’s Eve, which I don’t remember despising quite as much, but still probably sucked. Just when we thought they were over, we realized he’s not finished. And now he’s unleashed Mother’s Day, and I gotta say: Taking your mother to this is like taking a visit to the dump. Or taking a dump on your mother. Or dumping her in a nursing home… and never visiting.
It’s that horrible.
It’s the “mother” of all disasters. A film so unspeakably awful that I guarantee the end bloopers are the funniest part. I wouldn’t know though, because I ran out of there as soon as I saw “Directed by Garry Marshall.” But alright, I’ll get back to the awfulness of this movie after I give you a rundown of the “plot.”
Alright, so basically it revolves around the lives of a group of mothers a few days before… it’s in the title. Jennifer Aniston (why?!) plays Sandy, a divorced mother of two who hopes of getting back with her ex (Timothy Olyphant, why?!)… until she realizes that he eloped with a much younger woman.
Then there’s her friend, Jesse (Kate Hudson, a wonderful actress who unfortunately stoops to movies like this) who is married to a nice Middle Eastern man (Aasif Mandvi). Trouble is, her parents (Margo Martindale and Robert Pine) are horrible racists. Then, there’s Jesse’s sister, Gabi (Sarah Chalke), who is keeping her lesbian lover a secret because… her parents are also homophobes.
God has cursed this family.
Then there’s Britt Robertson’s Kristin, who has a baby with a nice aspiring British comedian… but can’t commit to marriage. Something about her mom giving her up for adoption, blah blah blah. Either way, both of them work at a bar called Shorty’s, which just so happens to be ran by a midget. You think I’m joking.
Then there’s Julia Roberts’ Miranda and her obnoxious haircut (I read that it’s the same wig used in Helix, the movie within the movie in Notting Hill). She is the star of a home shopping channel… that everyone in this town is watching for some reason. Why is everyone watching this? My mom puts the jewelry channel on a lot, and I’m tellin’ ya people, it ain’t interesting.
And then last (and maybe not least, but that said, all of the stories are pretty horrible) is Jason Sudeikis as Bradley, a father who’s wife (shown in video clips played by Jennifer Garner) was killed… in the war I’m assuming. I don’t honestly remember if that was clear. And I don’t honestly care. All I know is that the sap level is turned on full blast in this story.
Actually, no, that’s not fair. The sap level is turned on full blast during every story in Mother’s Day. This film is drowned in sentimentality. It means well, but yet it doesn’t do anything… well. I rolled my eyes so many times I thought they were gonna fall out of the sockets. I rolled my head so many times I thought it was going to fall off. I have never walked out of a movie, but it sure was tempting.
So if you couldn’t tell, I found Mother’s Day insufferable. Every scene feels phoned in. It’s hokey, it’s hideously unfunny (I’m not even sure if it knows what comedy is). It’s artificial, ridiculously predictable, cliche, and overlong. But hold on, I’m not done.
The soundtrack is horrible, and these talented actors deserve a Medal of Honor for their bravery in this film. The only one who leaves this film with their dignity is Garner, and guess what? She’s playing a dead woman! I don’t blame them necessarily. But rather, the horrible screenplay, which seems like Hallmark material. People don’t talk like this.
Just as I thought Mother’s Day was nearly over, I learned that there was still half an hour left. It was then that I started taking notes. I already included most of them in this review, but allow me to unveil the rest.
- A clown gives a monologue about love and mothers.
- Someone butchers “The Humpty Dance,” and then immediately falls off of the porch. It is then that a black woman says, “This is what happens when white people rap.”
- They play an Ed Sheeran song. Bleh.
- During a kids party, the camera turns to a female entertainer, who says, “This is a fun party!” as if we are too stupid to realize that this is a fun party.
- The comedian character isn’t funny.
- Nothing is funny.
- Unless you’re blind, the identity of Kristin’s mother is outrageously obvious.
- Why is Julia Roberts wearing that horrible wig?
Alright, we get it, I hated Mother’s Day. Please, Marshall, make Pretty Woman 2 or something. We know you love to reference it when you can. Or retire. Or something. But please don’t mess with Christmas, Halloween, or Independence Day.
They don’t deserve it.