Summer 2016: Oops, I’m late

By Christian DiMartino

Well, I usually do a Summer movie preview… BEFORE the season starts. But I like to believe that I have a life and stuff. So, I’ll do it now. Here’s what I’m looking forward to, what I’m not, and what’s… well, what’s got me trippin’.

Good Times

The Nice Guys: Shane Black wrote Lethal Weapon, one of the most kick-ass movies of the 1980s. So yeah, I’ll be there for his passion project, The Nice Guys. Plus, Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe look like they’re having a blast.

X-Men Apocalypse: Initially this was at the top of my list… but the early buzz says it nothing special. Ah, screw it. I’ll be there.

Popstar: The Lonely Island in a movie? Plus that cast, and Judd Appatow’s involvement is always nice.

The Conjuring 2: The Conjuring didn’t exactly scare me, but yet it was one of the more effective scary movies in recent years.James Wan seems to know what he’s doing in this department, so I have faith.

Finding Dory: Pixar usually knows how to make magic, and Finding Nemo is one of their best creations. Their last sequel, Cars 2, made a giant mistake in taking one of the weakest characters and building a movie around him. Finding Dory takes the best character, and builds a movie around her. I expect gold. Plus, Willem Dafoe said it’s better than the original. I trust him, because he’s Willem Dafoe.

Free State of Jones: Matthew McConaghey has been a roll. He’s not stopping anytime soon.

The Legend of Tarzan: Alexander Skarsgaard, Margot Robbie, Christoph Waltz, and Samuel L. Jackson? Sounds like heaven.

The BFG: You slap Spielberg’s name on a movie, you probably have me there. If you put him behind the director’s chair, then I’m first in line. The BFG doesn’t seem like your typical Spielberg Oscar-material, but I expect it to charm my ass off. Plus, he’s reteaming with the late Melissa Matheson for their first project since his best project: ET.

Cell: The world hasn’t seen a Stephen King adaptation in years. We’re due.

Cafe Society: Woody Allen doesn’t always make great movies. But they’re usually entertaining ones. Plus he’s Woody Allen, so…

Star Trek Beyond: The first two films (and a few others) are pretty solid. Though J.J. Abrams is out (he did some little movie called Star Wars), we now have Idris Elba as a villain. He can play the hell out of an evil tiger. So… yeah.

Jason Bourne: We had The Bourne Legacy a few years ago… without Matt Damon. Yeah, nice try. BUT… we like our Bourne movies a little more… Matt Damon-y. Good to have you back man.

Suicide Squad: This one could very well be a ten-megaton bomb… but come on, it looks groovy. Plus they got Margot Robbie and Jared Leto as Harley Quinn and The Joker. Probably no Heath Ledger, but still coo.

The Founder: I’ve been pulling for Michael Keaton to win an Oscar since Birdman. Hell, I’d give him an Oscar for Beetlejuice. He’s brilliant. Not saying he’ll get anything either, but he sure as hell will try.

Sausage Party: This will either fall flat, or it will blow our minds. I’m pulling for the latter.

Florence Foster Jenkins: This is the rare movie where Meryl Streep will try to give a bad performance… on purpose. I’d like to see her try.

Bad Times

The Angry Birds Movie: Weren’t Angry Birds popular like 6 years ago? Pass.

Alice Through the Looking Glass: The first movie was a mega letdown. I hoped that with Sacha Baron Cohen on board, it might work. But the early reviews say otherwise.

The Do Over: Adam Sandler and David Spade.

Me Before You: “Women come first in my country.” “Or sometimes not at all.” (If you know what I mean. All that aside, this movie looks like poop).

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows: Hey! That sequel that everyone was asking for, right? (rolls eyes)

Warcraft: When I saw Batman vs. Superman, people actually clapped during this trailer. From that, I knew I was in for a bad night. Director Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code) showed such promise, but… this looks like another John Carter.

Central Intelligence: There is slight hope but… it’s still a Kevin Hart movie.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: Hopefully it’ll be better than that other unfortunate Zac Efron movie Dirty Grandpa, but I doubt it. It’ll probably have the same humor, which is what I despise.

GhostbustersOh how ye wants to have faith. Oh how ye can’t. Paul Feig (BridesmaidsSpy) knows how to bring out the best in Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy. But alas, this movie looks rather uh… bad.

Ice Age: Collision Course: Jesus H. Christ when will these movies end?! Does anybody still care?! Who cares?! Just die! I will be there for Ice Age: The Extinction. 

Nine Lives: The trailer for this film is unspeakably horrible. Jaw-droppingly awful. And it’s such a shame too, considering they roped Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken into it. It’ll be one of those plane crash deals.

Ben-Hur: A remake of a classic, Best Picture winner, starring some hobos, some Burger King employees… and Morgan Freeman in dreads. Yah mon, count me out.

I Know I’ll Have My Share (of uncertainties)

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: I liked the original, but did we NEED this one? Probably not, but to paraphrase Billy Joel: I may be wrong, but I may be right.

Now You See Me 2: Again, another sequel we didn’t need (and they’re making a third one too evidently). What are they wizards or something? I’m confused. The first one was fun though.

Independence Day: Resurgence: Yet ANOTHER unnecessary sequel. But hey, Jeff Goldblum’s in it. So, that’s all that needs to be said there.

The Shallows: We’ve been missing a good shark movie. This may be it… maybe. Who the hell knows.

The Purge: Election Year: I actually don’t dislike the first two, but yet… this is still unnecessary.

The Secret Life of Pets: Great cast, but there’s a poop joke in the trailer so… who knows.

Bad Moms: I will watch Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, Kristen Bell, and Christina Applegate in anything, and I will watch them in this. As for it being good though… yeah, not quite sure about that one.

Yoga Hosers: I like Kevin Smith as a filmmaker, for the most part. I hear this one isn’t very good, but I think it’ll be fun.



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