By Christian DiMartino
It’s a quarter after one… wait, I can’t tell time. It’s 1:28 a.m., I’m a little drunk, and I need you… to listen to what I gotta say. I bet some of you have been wondering where I’ve been. Well, if you’ve been wondering, it’s clear that you have no life. So please, go get a job.
BUT if you must know, the reason why I haven’t written a review is a while is simple: I ain’t seen nothing. The last movie I saw, I admit I didn’t review it. It was The Purge: Anarchy. Truth be told, I liked it. But you know, I just couldn’t garner the inspiration to write about it. Long story short: 3 stars. But that’s besides the point. I haven’t been to the movies since, and this was roughly two weeks ago. I told someone this, and they asked me if I had the shakes.
Have no fear though, because I am finally breaking the curse. Because guess what? Something GOOD is arriving: Star Trek Beyond. I’m stoked. You know what else comes out tomorrow? Ice Age: Collision Course. Now, I hope I’m not alone on this, but, are you f**king kidding me?
The first Ice Age was a charming little movie that worked. The second one, well, let’s just say, I remember it as much as an Alzheimer’s patient remembers five minutes ago, and the same goes to the third one (All I can remember is: it sucked). I bailed on the 4th one (I mean we get Drake AND Nicki Minaj? Please. I’ll stick with “Truffle Butter.”)
And so this leads us to round 5, and honestly, this franchise seems like a villain in a horror film: just when we think and hope the f**ker is dead, it comes back for another scare. Not that this is actually any concern to me (because I wouldn’t watch another Ice Age movie if it was playing in my glasses), but let me just speak for everyone here: I don’t care, you don’t care. Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid ice age and just DIE ALREADY. DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Why can’t a f**king meteor just wipe these asswipes out already?
OH, I’ll tell you why.
First off, people STILL keep paying to see them. Second, Ray Ramono needs the work. That’s all I got. Seriously. Let me just tell ya the lengths that this series has gone to. It’s a doozy.
They got Neil Degrasse Tyson in this thing. Guess who he plays. Guess. Neil deBuck Weasel. What in the actual f**k? Did they think that was clever? Also, Jessie J is in this thing. If I had to take a guess, this movie is gonna take her so called “acting career” down like she’s a domino. The trailer is set to Maclemore… bleh! Choke me with a chicken bone. Oh yeah, also, this one is apparently in outer space? Did you see Jason X? Or my guiltiest pleasure, Moonraker? When a you take a series out of this world, let’s just say, you should keep it there.
So, what am I getting at? Christ, I don’t know. All I know is, this series needs to end. Please. If I have to see another Ice Age trailer, I just may hang myself from the ceiling. This summer has seen a lot of sequels that we simply just didn’t need, and trust me, we don’t need this one either. Or another one. Though, if Ice Age: The Extinction comes around, I’ll be there.
That would be a satisfying conclusion.