By Christian DiMartino
Lately on Instagram, I’ve noticed people have been doing this “unpopular opinions” thing, in which they confess their feelings about films/actors and what not, even though most people won’t agree with it. Their darkest secrets. Well, actually, I had a segment on this page called “Film Confessions,” which I pretty much scrapped. I am a big ol’ sissy, so I won’t post it on Instagram.
HENCE… why I have this page. Nobody reads this crap, because nobody cares. So I’m gonna spill the beans. You won’t agree with a lot of it. Hell, maybe you will. I don’t care. These are my confessions… you know, like Usher? Whatever. Must be before your time.
HOLD YOUR PITCHFORKS
- I think Crash is better than Brokeback Mountain. Well, maybe not better, but I find it more effective. If it’s any consolation though, I think Match Point is better than both of them.
- As good as Annie Hall is, it’s not one of my favorite Woody Allen films, and it didn’t deserve Best Picture over Star Wars.
- I like the Star Wars prequels. Good? Um… that’s a strong word. But I like them.
- Eddie Remayne is overrated. He’s talented, for sure, but I just feel like his best performances have been done before (The Theory of Everything– My Left Foot, The Danish Girl-Mrs. Doubtfire, etc.) Also, he should give his Oscar BACK because of his horrendous work in Jupiter Ascending. Now a Razzie… that was deserved.
- I loved Robin Williams, and I’m still bummed about his death. But I don’t love Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society. He’s great in both, but the movies don’t do much for me.
- Jim Carrey should have at least one Oscar nomination. Sounds a tad ridiculous when you think about Ace Ventura or something, but I mean, have you seen The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or I Love You, Philip Morris? No? Then shut the f**k up.
- I kind of love How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Yeah it’s a little creepy but… JC is in it.
- Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech, The Danish Girl) and Stephen Daldry (The Reader, The Hours) are talented filmmakers, but they are also pretentious douchebags who only care about Oscar gold. Seriously. I just picture them arriving to the sets of their films, huddling up with their casts, and saying, “We’re going for the gold team!”
- Speaking of Hooper, I don’t like Les Miserables. I can admire it, but it’s boring af. Also, Anne Hathaway shouldn’t have won the Oscar. She was better in The Dark Knight Rises. She was in it more, at least.
- Angelina Jolie is a great actress, but I’m on #TeamJen.
- The Sixth Sense is overrated. Had I seen it in 1999 I might not say so. But everyone blew the twist, so thanks America.
- Gerard Butler is a horrible actor. Or maybe he just does horrible movies. Either way, he sucks.
- I don’t know why we’re still mad at Mel Gibson. I mean, in the words of Hannah Montana: Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days. Like Gerard Butler. And Charlie Sheen. We forgave them. Why can’t we forgive Mel? I love Mel Gibson leave me alone.
- I’m tired of all of these movie adapted TV shows. Get off your lazy fat ass and come up with an original idea. Jeez.
- Chicago is overrated. Very enjoyable, but is it REALLY better than The Pianist, Gangs of New York, and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? To quote Beyonce: Na-na hell nah!
- I prefer The Godfather Part II, but only by a smidge.
- Unless it’s Disney/Pixar, animated movies are usually meh these days. There’s good ones, for sure, but they’re hit-or-miss.
- I am so blinded by my love for Christopher Nolan movies that I can barely see. The fact that he hasn’t received a Best Director nomination yet is appalling.
- Marvel has their s**t together better than DC, but DC has The Dark Knight trilogy, so DC wins.
- I wish Robert Downey Jr. would do something other than Iron Man. But hey if it ain’t broke…
- Tim Burton’s best movie is Sweeney Todd. Should’ve been a clean sweep at the Oscars. We can award Les Miserables but not this? WTF.
- The Academy didn’t nominate any black actors the last two years because the competition was jam-packed, not because they’re racist.
- Straight Outta Compton is pretty damn good, but not that good. Call me a white guy, but Love & Mercy was better.
- Love Quentin Tarantino the writer/director. Quentin Tarantino the person though… kind of a freak.
- Terrence Malick is a great filmmaker. I just wish he didn’t agree.
- Stop trying to make Jai Courtney and Cara Delevigne happen. It’s not going to happen. And dammit girl, pluck your eyebrows.
- It has a following, but after giving it thought, I’ve realized that I don’t like Hail, Caesar! You know when you go to the bathroom during a movie and you come back wanting to know what you’ve missed? That’s how I felt during the entirety of Hail, Caesar!, and I didn’t stand up once.
- Magnolia is the best movie of the 1990s. Though y’all will say The Shawshank Redemption. That’s okay. That movie is perfect too.
- I don’t like The Cider House Rules, and I have no clue why everyone does.
- Good Night and Good Luck bored me so much, I couldn’t finish it. Even after five attempts.
- I love George Clooney the actor. But I hate George Clooney the director. Except for Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. That ones good.
- Why does everyone hate Ocean’s Twelve? Am I missing something?
- I like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, even though it’s goofy as hell.
- Road House is a terrible movie, but by terrible, I mean awesome.
- The twist in Spectre made me think of Austin Powers in Goldmember.
- I didn’t know what the hell the majority of the characters were talking about in The Big Short, but I really liked it anyways. Does that make me a liar or something?
- The Hurt Locker is good, but it’s not that good. There were better movies that year.
- I feel like a pussy every time I watch ET. I don’t watch it very often, but the last time I did, let me just say… Niagra Falls.
- I could probably recite Batman Forever. And The Mask. Did I mention that I have a weakness for Jim Carrey?
- I make everyone I know (except for my parents, because that’s just weird) watch Showgirls, this way they can revel in its glorious awfulness. Oh yeah, and it’s also a blast to watch when you’re drunk. And I like boobs.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got.