Confessions of My Dangerous Mind

By Christian DiMartino

Lately on Instagram, I’ve noticed people have been doing this “unpopular opinions” thing, in which they confess their feelings about films/actors and what not, even though most people won’t agree with it. Their darkest secrets. Well, actually, I had a segment on this page called “Film Confessions,” which I pretty much scrapped. I am a big ol’ sissy, so I won’t post it on Instagram.

HENCE… why I have this page. Nobody reads this crap, because nobody cares. So I’m gonna spill the beans. You won’t agree with a lot of it. Hell, maybe you will. I don’t care. These are my confessions… you know, like Usher? Whatever. Must be before your time.

HOLD YOUR PITCHFORKS

  • I think Crash is better than Brokeback Mountain. Well, maybe not better, but I find it more effective. If it’s any consolation though, I think Match Point is better than both of them.
  • As good as Annie Hall is, it’s not one of my favorite Woody Allen films, and it didn’t deserve Best Picture over Star Wars.
  • I like the Star Wars prequels. Good? Um… that’s a strong word. But I like them.
  • Eddie Remayne is overrated. He’s talented, for sure, but I just feel like his best performances have been done before (The Theory of Everything– My Left FootThe Danish Girl-Mrs. Doubtfire, etc.) Also, he should give his Oscar BACK because of his horrendous work in Jupiter Ascending. Now a Razzie… that was deserved.
  • I loved Robin Williams, and I’m still bummed about his death. But I don’t love Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society. He’s great in both, but the movies don’t do much for me.
  • Jim Carrey should have at least one Oscar nomination. Sounds a tad ridiculous when you think about Ace Ventura or somethingbut I mean, have you seen The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or I Love You, Philip Morris? No? Then shut the f**k up.
  • I kind of love How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Yeah it’s a little creepy but… JC is in it.
  • Tom Hooper (The King’s SpeechThe Danish Girl) and Stephen Daldry (The Reader, The Hours) are talented filmmakers, but they are also pretentious douchebags who only care about Oscar gold. Seriously. I just picture them arriving to the sets of their films, huddling up with their casts, and saying, “We’re going for the gold team!”
  • Speaking of Hooper, I don’t like Les Miserables. I can admire it, but it’s boring af. Also, Anne Hathaway shouldn’t have won the Oscar. She was better in The Dark Knight Rises. She was in it more, at least.
  • Angelina Jolie is a great actress, but I’m on #TeamJen.
  • The Sixth Sense is overrated. Had I seen it in 1999 I might not say so. But everyone blew the twist, so thanks America.
  • Gerard Butler is a horrible actor. Or maybe he just does horrible movies. Either way, he sucks.
  • I don’t know why we’re still mad at Mel Gibson. I mean, in the words of Hannah Montana: Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days. Like Gerard Butler. And Charlie Sheen. We forgave them. Why can’t we forgive Mel? I love Mel Gibson leave me alone.
  • I’m tired of all of these movie adapted TV shows. Get off your lazy fat ass and come up with an original idea. Jeez.
  • Chicago is overrated. Very enjoyable, but is it REALLY better than The Pianist, Gangs of New York, and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? To quote Beyonce: Na-na hell nah!
  • I prefer The Godfather Part II, but only by a smidge.
  • Unless it’s Disney/Pixar, animated movies are usually meh these days. There’s good ones, for sure, but they’re hit-or-miss.
  • I am so blinded by my love for Christopher Nolan movies that I can barely see. The fact that he hasn’t received a Best Director nomination yet is appalling.
  • Marvel has their s**t together better than DC, but DC has The Dark Knight trilogy, so DC wins.
  • I wish Robert Downey Jr. would do something other than Iron Man. But hey if it ain’t broke…
  • Tim Burton’s best movie is Sweeney Todd. Should’ve been a clean sweep at the Oscars. We can award Les Miserables but not this? WTF.
  • The Academy didn’t nominate any black actors the last two years because the competition was jam-packed, not because they’re racist.
  • Straight Outta Compton is pretty damn good, but not that good. Call me a white guy, but Love & Mercy was better.
  • Love Quentin Tarantino the writer/director. Quentin Tarantino the person though… kind of a freak.
  • Terrence Malick is a great filmmaker. I just wish he didn’t agree.
  • Stop trying to make Jai Courtney and Cara Delevigne happen. It’s not going to happen. And dammit girl, pluck your eyebrows.
  • It has a following, but after giving it thought, I’ve realized that I don’t like Hail, Caesar! You know when you go to the bathroom during a movie and you come back wanting to know what you’ve missed? That’s how I felt during the entirety of Hail, Caesar!, and I didn’t stand up once.
  • Magnolia is the best movie of the 1990s. Though y’all will say The Shawshank Redemption. That’s okay. That movie is perfect too.
  • I don’t like The Cider House Rules, and I have no clue why everyone does.
  • Good Night and Good Luck bored me so much, I couldn’t finish it. Even after five attempts.
  • I love George Clooney the actor. But I hate George Clooney the director. Except for Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. That ones good. 
  • Why does everyone hate Ocean’s Twelve? Am I missing something?
  • I like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, even though it’s goofy as hell.
  • Road House is a terrible movie, but by terrible, I mean awesome.
  • The twist in Spectre made me think of Austin Powers in Goldmember
  • I didn’t know what the hell the majority of the characters were talking about in The Big Short, but I really liked it anyways. Does that make me a liar or something?
  • The Hurt Locker is good, but it’s not that good. There were better movies that year.
  • I feel like a pussy every time I watch ET. I don’t watch it very often, but the last time I did, let me just say… Niagra Falls.
  • I could probably recite Batman Forever. And The Mask. Did I mention that I have a weakness for Jim Carrey?
  • I make everyone I know (except for my parents, because that’s just weird) watch Showgirls, this way they can revel in its glorious awfulness. Oh yeah, and it’s also a blast to watch when you’re drunk. And I like boobs.

 

Alright, that’s all I’ve got.

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