Review: Meet the Blacks

Zero Stars

By Christian DiMartino

Picture this: A child takes a huge dump into a brown paper bag. Then, he takes it to his neighbor’s house, sets it on their porch, and lights it on fire. Yep, that about describes the experience of Meet the Blacks.

I began writing this review last week, but I  never finished it. I didn’t exactly have the energy. What difference does it really make though? You weren’t going to see this movie anyways. Much to my surprise, my theater was completely empty. Everyone else had the right idea, I suppose. I mean, I knew it was trouble when I walked in, so shame on me.

The film is pretty much a parody of The Purge, but yet there are references to other things. Such as Mike Tyson, who shows up as a clown. The film opens with Snoop Dogg… in white face. That’s right. You know just where this movie is headed as soon as it opens. Mike Epps plays Carl Black, who after stealing from a bunch of people, ends up living in a beautiful subdivision. They are immediately met with trouble. Basically, the joke is: They’re black, so they can’t afford this. Ugh…

Little do they know that The Purge is about to begin. And soon, it does. Trouble is though, people from Carl’s past have come back for revenge, and they can easily do it too. So they begin to terrorize Carl and his family.

As I watched this film, I did something I rarely do: I took notes. That’s right.  The sad thing about Meet the Blacks though (well, there’s actually a lot of them) is that I already cannot remember it. So, allow me to refer back to my notes.

Meet the Blacks is about as funny as a successful drive-by. There was an uproar a few months ago about the Oscars being racist. That joke is made here once again, but it shouldn’t have been. They’re no better. This film is insanely racist, mostly towards whites. So, they can blow it out their ass. Every white person in this film is either racist, stupid, or simply obnoxious. don’t worry though, black people get their share too. They pretty much fall under every stereotype.

It doesn’t end there though. The “humor” is lazy, cliche, and forced. The “plot” is thin and feels lazily constructed. The soundtrack must’ve come from a hookah bar playlist. The actors either try too hard or too little. This movie couldn’t even afford Kevin Hart, which is saying something.

It’s such a loud and horribly unfunny film that by the time it reaches the end, which hints at a sequel, it comes across as more of a threat than a promise.

But again, I see them so then you don’t have to. I still wish I could un-see Meet the Blacks though. I saw it simply out of desperation. I think that’s the only reasonable excuse. This is an early contender for the year’s worst film.

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